Express yourself.

Real pain

is not being able

to express yourself.

Let’s cut to the chase. I haven’t blogged in ages. Firstly I blamed it on travel, then on ‘needing a break’ which I find is blogger talk for “I don’t have any inspiration so I’m saying it’s for great or good that I don’t do any work.” If we’re being honest I felt like I was turning up post after post for what I thought people wanted to see rather than what I wanted to write about.

So at the beginning of this year I sat down and had a conversation with myself. What did I like to do or create? I knew I wanted to go back to a journal like blog. If you followed me all those years ago (thanks for staying around) I was more of a diary blog. Writing about anything and everything. It wasn’t until I got into the community I learned to market myself and produce what I did. I do not regret this at all. I just wish I did it on my terms. The blogging community got me:

  • Friends all over the world. Some of whom I’ve met, others who I wish to.
  • Makeup skills. I never wore makeup before blogging and it is an art I love.
  • Photography skills.
  • Discovering the world of marketing and PR. Guess who is majoring PR in their bachelor of communications.
  • Social media skills. Again another career path I’m highly interested in.
  • Breaking out of my shell. The biggest achievement. I can enter a room confidently. It also got me out of my depression after high school.

Depression. I’ve never in my 6 years of blogging gone into detail about my mental health. Alas it is the reason I started and the reason I am starting again today. I thought I had a grasp on my mental health but it really went downhill over the last couple of years. It wasn’t till the last two months my friends sat me down on a dark night and one mentioned: “you could write it all out”. Simple but effective. I used to write all the time. I’m not just talking about my blogging days but all through my childhood.

It took me a while but I did start writing. Poetry started pouring out of me. When I was little I would write songs, poems and diary entries whenever I need to get something off my chest. My friend was right, it won’t cure me, but to have an outlet was enough to get me out of my slump and express myself like I hadn’t in a very long time.

All it comes down to is self-expression. In the world I had created for myself I stopped expressing what I wanted and did it for others. It felt more like a routine than creativity. The passion left and the definition for utter ardour is: complete passion. It felt wrong so I stopped. I was unhappy. Today I am happier, I am excited about what I can create. I haven’t had a day go by in the past two weeks where I haven’t written a poem. They are flowing out of me.

So I’ve found passion again. I keep coming up with more and more ideas. Which is fantastic after the few months of wanting to just do nothing. I’m hoping this is a good start for helping me mend my mental health. For now, I am greeting it as a blessing.

I won’t lie and say that putting my poetry into the public eye isn’t scary. It took me a week to gain the courage I needed. It has been greeted with love so far and I am excited to see how I grow this art. I plan on writing more about the ‘behind the scenes’ of the poems, create some self-portraits to relate to the words and every now and then there will be the travel, event, fashion or beauty post. I still love that side of blogging I just want to be myself with it.

So I hope you are along for this next step of the journey.

Love, Rai